Conversation Point

Great Luxuries

My upstairs neighbors are moving out today.

I wasn't aware of their impending departure until around eight o'clock this morning when the hustle and bustle of furniture and belongings exiting the building began. I have to say I feel a little sad at the thought, even though I would have to check the mail boxes downstairs in the lobby to see what their names are. Having bumped into them occasionally on the elevator ride to our respective homes, I feel a nice sort of connection that comes from pleasantries exchanged over time.

A friend of mine had lamented my move from single family home ownership to apartment rental. He couldn't conceive of being surrounded by the noise of other people's daily lives. Dishwashers running, toilets flushing in the middle of the night and doors opening and closing were more than he could imagine, let alone bear, on any kind of regular basis. I imagine many people feel that way, considering the American dream is to cozy up to one's own fireplace with a cup of hot cocoa, a thirty year mortgage and the peace and serenity that come from knowing your neighbors are at least a hundred yards away. More peace and quiet, more distance, less hassle. Dealing with strangers in close proximity on a consistent basis takes time and patience. Believing we are the only people in the universe must be suspended, as does the need to feel offended by a good bit of other people's behavior.

Mostly, its about forgiveness and forbearance.

I was first introduced to the companionate relationship between forgiveness and forbearance by a woman in the first congregation I served. Offered up as some comfort regarding a nasty little church squabble, her words stuck with me, and I now have come to regard them as two of the greatest luxuries of being a grown up.

I didn't pull them back out of my memory for real use until years later during my stint as a retail manager. It was then, while addressing customer service and employee management issues, that I began to realize how much better it felt not to hold grudges, plot revenge or react to situations with rancor and rage. Forgiving people their foolishness, poor communication skills and rudeness made it much easier to simply get to the heart of the matter and deal with the problem that needed to be fixed. I felt much better not needing to be right, but instead invested my energy in correcting the situation and moving on to whatever else needed to be done.

The forbearance part came into play most often with disgruntled employees who either felt compelled to pick fights with customers who had hurt their feelings or had made them angry. Taking a deep breath, letting oneself unhook from those kind of feelings and moving into a helping stance is very had to do. It takes consciousness, loads of practice and the ability to stay engaged in situations that frequently feel as if you are being blind sided by a truck. What helped some of my sales associates and assistant management staff become more familiar with the concept was seeing me work with customers at different levels of irritation and rage.

Most people just want to feel heard, so listening was key, and making sure the customer could see I was paying attention to them was doubly important. Eye contact, affirming nods and verbal agreement made it clear to them that they were my focus. After that, it was simply a matter of figuring out what they wanted, giving it to them if I could or offering another suggestion if I couldn't and following through on that offer. With rare exception the customer was thanking me, giving me a hug and offering to buy my coffee before they waked back out the door. When they came back to shop they sought me out, showed me their children's latest school pictures and inquired about my life as if we were old friends. It feels as miraculous now as it did then.

Forgiveness and forbearance are indeed miracles, luxurious in ways that cannot be quantitatively measured. Like fine wine, each takes care, caution and time to produce, but are worth the necessary effort. Forgiving is giving something to another person before they may deserve it in our eyes. Forbearance is continuing that practice of forgiveness for as long as it takes. I believe Jesus said something about "seventy times seven," but I don't think he was being literal, just expansive and generous.

Perhaps those are two more luxuries of being a grown up.

posted by Cory L. Kemp @ 2:38 PM 0 comments

Taking Offense

You may have heard of Kathy Griffin. Ms. Griffin has been around for awhile, both as an actress and as a stand up comedienne. She's also filled in a few times as guest host on ABC's "The View." This past week she even won an Emmy for her role on "My Life on the D List," a reality program based on her own life. Her acceptance speech included the sentiments that Jesus had nothing to do with her winning the award and that her Emmy statue was her new god. This didn't sit well with a few folks. A Christian theater group from Pigeon Forge, Tennessee, even spent over $90,000 to place a full page advertisement in a Los Angeles newspaper protesting her comments. It appears they were morally offended about how Christianity is portrayed in our society and this was the straw that broke their collective, religion-driven lives.

And you wonder why people think Christians have no sense of humor.

Having watched a variety of awards programs over the years, I've seen a whole lot of people thanking God the Father, Son and Holy Spirit for being able to stand on a stage and accept their statues. But I'm not so sure they are expressing true, faith-based gratitude, or simply filling in air time until they can get their bearings and thank people they actually include in their lives on a regular basis. It was pretty clear to me that Ms. Griffin was having some fun at her show business associates' expense.

It is equally clear to me that many people find ways to feel miffed or offended on a pretty regular basis. To paraphrase Wayne Dyer, an internationally-known self-help and self-improvement author, some people wake up every morning looking to be offended and they are not disappointed.

Jesus was well aware of this seemingly human need some of us have to bristle at whatever crosses our path. One such situation, an exchange with the disciples of John the Baptist is shared with us through Matthew's gospel account. "And when Jesus had finished instructing his twelve disciples, he went on from there to teach and preach in their cities. Now when John heard in prison about the deeds of the Christ, he sent word by his disciples and said to him, 'Are you he who is to come, or shall we look for another?' And Jesus answered them, 'God and tell John what you hear and see; the blind receive their sight and the lame walk, lepers are cleansed and the deaf hear, and the dead are raised up, and the poor have good news preached to them. And blessed is he who takes no offense at me (Matthew 11: 1-6)."

It would have been quite easy for John's followers to be upset that Jesus was claiming his authority as the promised Messiah for whom generations of faithful people had been waiting. The leader in whom they had placed their trust, and likely years of their lives, was imprisoned and at the mercy of Herod's whims. While John may have been willing to recognize his role in the grand scheme of God's work, they may have resented him for giving up and passing over the mantle of his own authority to Jesus. If John was asking, he surely had a sense that Jesus was the Messiah, but he wanted to be sure. Hindsight, especially with regard to spiritual issues, is so much more clear than when we are standing in the middle of them.

But John's disciples followed their leader's direction, received word from Jesus that the scriptures were being fulfilled in his work with the blind, lame, lepers, deaf, the dead and the poor. He assured them that the people who took no offense at this were blessed. Jesus didn't blame them for how they may or may not have been feeling, but simply let them knew that they could make a choice about their response to the information they were seeking and would pass back on to John.

It's very easy to feel offended when something in which we are invested is challenged or if a situation we had hoped would turn out a certain way comes to a different conclusion. We've all been there, wanting to displace the feelings of frustration, hurt or even anger, that seem to flash through us like a rocket at take off. Getting it off our chest is supposed to be good for us, right? It's only human to let off some steam, vent a little, let it go before it eats us alive? Personally, I'm not sure any of those things help, especially if they are feelings that have nothing to do with the person at whom they are directed. Offended though John's disciples may have been, Jesus is telling them they have a choice about their feelings and their response to him, and they are blessed if they can find it in themselves to take no offense at him.

Offended though we may be at various opinions, behaviors and ideas that may cross our paths, we have a choice. We can stay stuck in our reaction of feeling offended, carrying on and dragging negativity into as many conversations as it takes to make us feel right. Or, we can remember Jesus' words, taking no offense at him or anyone else who contradicts what we expect from them. Sometimes they are right, sometimes they aren't. Sometimes it isn't about right or wrong at all. Sometimes it's about recognizing a joke when you hear one.

posted by Cory L. Kemp @ 4:14 PM 0 comments

International Gossip

While managing a retail furniture store I had the pleasure of working with a woman originally from Moscow. Not Moscow, Idaho, but that grand city in Russia. Svetlana had emigrated to the United States with her mother, Victoria, a few years before we met. The daughter wanted a better life for herself, and the mother couldn't imagine life without her only daughter, despite the fact that she spoke only minimal English. Svetlana and I worked together enough to decide we liked each others company, developing a friendly dialogue on all sorts of topics. She taught me a few Russian words and phrases, shared recipes from her childhood and talked about her prior work experience as both a nurse and a film producer. Her studies here focused on business. What I remember most about Svetlana was her warmth, kindness and generosity.

What was interesting to both of us, in one fascinating exchange, is how each of our countries chose to misrepresent the other during the Cold War. Svetlana's mother survived the Stalinist era and saw her daughter's generation welcome a more open society. As the Berlin wall came down, so did some of our preconceived notions about what life in the former Soviet Union was really like. One day Svetlana, planning a trip back to Russia to visit friends and extended family, asked if I wanted to see her old passport. Of course I said yes and found myself perusing a small relic of a Communist culture that no longer existed. It was then that I told Svetlana that the United States government used to tell us that people in her homeland were cold, uncaring, didn't love their children the was our parents loved us, and that her people didn't value life the way that we did here. She said her government told her people the same things about us.

Clearly, the Cold War was not about people hating each other, but governments participating in a gossip session to end all gossip sessions. While no great surprise, it was a wonderful sort of epiphany to see and experience just how much more we had in common than not.

My favorite Biblical example of this very concept is the story Jesus told, that of the good Samaritan. "A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and he fell among robbers, who stripped him, and beat him, and departed, leaving him half dead. Now by chance, a priest was going down that road; and when he saw him, he passed by on the other side. So likewise a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. But a Samaritan, as he journeyed, came to where he was; and when he saw him, he had compassion, and went to him and bound up his wounds, pouring on oil and wine; then he set him on his own beast and brought him to an inn, and took care of him. And the next day he took out two denarii and gave them to the innkeeper, saying, 'Take care of him, and whatever more you spend, I will repay you when I come back (Luke 10:29-35)."

The fact that Jesus emphasized that this was not just any Samaritan, but a good Samaritan, frames the story in a way that made his listeners sit up and take notice. Jews and Samaritans were not cozy with one another and did everything in their power to avoid dealing with each other. A Samaritan would no more stop to help a Jew than the latter would stop to help the former. It just wasn't done. So Jesus turns the concept of cultural images and societal norms on its head by telling his listeners that this injured man, who was left for dead, was ignored by two leaders of his own community, men who preached the law and the prophets as their life work. The priest and the Levite definitely saw the man in his woundedness, but only acted by turning away and putting themselves at a distance from him physically, emotionally and spiritually. One would assume that these pillars of the community would go out of their way to help a fellow traveler, but clearly that was not the case.

Then, along comes the good Samaritan, someone of whom no one would expect a pleasant courtesy, let alone the magnanimous gesture of kindness that transpired. What the Samaritan did defines going out of one's way to help a stranger. And then Jesus posed a question to a lawyer in the crowd. "Which of the three, do you think, was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of the robbers?' He said, 'The one who showed him mercy.' Jesus said to him,"Go and do likewise (Luke 10:36-37)."

The Cold War kept us at a great distance from the people of the former Soviet Union, making us believe these people whom we had never met were Communists at best, and heartless barbarians at worst. Now our former enemies live among us as cordial, productive residents and citizens of our country. Our mutual misconceptions, based on government lies, are all but forgotten.

But a new war has created new Samaritans for us, people we don't really know very well, people about whom our government is spreading new gossip, lies and misinformation. These new Samaritans are those who claim Islam as their faith. Our government would have us believe that there are very few good Muslims, that most are ready to kill us, take our land and take over the world. Emails zoom across the internet, full of fear-based messages that tell us to support immigration laws that prohibit all people from the Middle East entering our country. The Muslims that already live here face suspicion and discrimination. Public prayer by Muslims is considered radical, suspect and dangerous.

Based on our own history and Jesus' story, what do we really think is going on here? Who do you think is going to help you in your time of need? Do you really care, as long as someone is willing to help you at all?

posted by Cory L. Kemp @ 5:01 PM 0 comments

Serving Your Purpose

Purpose is a pretty big deal.

In the context of life, purpose matters. Our purpose is the answer to the age-old question, "Why are we here?" When we find ourselves wondering what difference our lives make or even why we were born, our purpose is the reason. We each were created and came to be here on earth with a specific mission that would serve humanity in a uniquely powerful way, a way that could not be manifested by anyone else on the planet at this time. We all share in our collective gifts, skills and talents, and we are all served by each other's purpose.

What is your purpose? Discovering your reason for being, at whatever point in life you find yourself, is a prospecting expedition filled with unexpected treasures. Serving that purpose, nurturing it to its fullest capacity to give to others, can deepen into a life-long passion full of wealth and happiness.

Where are you in your life journey? Take a few moments right now to consider what you enjoy in your life. What do you feel good about? What brings you pleasure or a sense of fulfillment? Perhaps the relationships in your life, family, friends or co-workers, are satisfying and special to you. For some people work is much more than a paycheck, but also a source of creative inspiration. For others hobbies, such as gardening, decorating, camping or canoeing bring them endless delight. Chances are very good that what brings you pleasure is somehow connected to your purpose.

Does that surprise you? For some reason purpose has gotten the bad rap of being difficult, miserable, even a burden, and as far away from what we naturally love doing as can possibly be. Simply put, it's not. Our purpose is a part of us, a part of what we love about ourselves that we can't wait to share.

Having identified what brings you joy, how do you share that with other people? How are other people served by what you bring to life? Are you a parent whose home is open to the neighborhood children? Perhaps your purpose is listening and advising young people. Do your organizational skills benefit the efficiency and over-all positive energy of the company for which you work? Perhaps your purpose is to create a framework for those around you to do their jobs well. Do your skills in food preparation bring praise from those who are lucky enough to sample your culinary delights? Perhaps your purpose is based in hospitality.

Most of us have come to believe that purpose is grand, larger than life and only valuable if worthy of being made into a Broadway musical extravaganza. While the stage is meant for some, our own, individual stories are profoundly more interesting. Being able to make a friend laugh, presenting a solid talk about values at a PTA meeting or teaching someone how to write a love letter may make much more impact in transforming the world than we will ever know. Purpose matters because we never know how many people we will touch by living into what we have been created to do and be.

Now, one more thing to consider. How will you serve this purpose you have identified as your own? How will you nurture it, care for it, so that you may continue to use it well in service to others? Based in these questions is the simple truth that we must care for ourselves before we can care for others. It may seem selfish or out of order to care for ourselves first, but the reality is no one else is going to do it for us, and feeding and growing our purpose is a crucial part of living our lives fully and happily.

My guess is that gardeners understand this concept very well. Known for their gift of producing great displays of color and texture, quite literally from dirt, they are also aware of the time, planning and grunt work it takes to produce these natural marvels. What motivates them? Seed catalogues, florist shops, appreciation of other gardeners' efforts and results. They give themselves the gift of loving what they do best in all kinds of forms and shapes and sizes. They nurture their purpose by connecting to it everywhere they can find it. It's a great example we can all follow. Pay attention for ways you can serve and nurture your purpose every day.

Whether you have recently discovered your purpose or you are an old hand at sharing your gifts with others, we each have the chance to make a difference in other people's lives while enriching our own. The wealth of living one's purpose well may or may not be financial. But true abundance can be measured in as many ways as we can make a positive influence in the world each day.

posted by Cory L. Kemp @ 11:45 AM 0 comments

When There is Peace

Children heading back to school here in the United States are used to the routine. New clothes, study supplies, bus schedules and lunch money all fit together, settling into a steady rhythm focussed on building the foundation for a solid future. Not all students, past or present, appreciate what an education combined with hard work can mean because few of us have ever considered life without public education. We are a privileged people who take education, among many other things, for granted.

Refugees from Darfur, gathered together in camps just over the Sudanese border in Chad, have a great deal to teach us about our sense of entitlement, about what to them is a joyful opportunity for relative normalcy now and a glorious hope for the future. You see, according to information I recently received from the International Rescue Committee (IRC), this organization has committed itself to providing a quality education for the children residing the refugee camps as a result of the genocide taking place in the Sudan. Two million people have been killed. Two million more have been displaced from their homes and their lives. Total numbers at the camps vary from day to day. But thirty thousand children, having made it to relative safety, will study science, math, history and language skills, exactly what our children will be studying this year.

Something you may need to pause to realize is that this is possible, not solely through international support, but because some of those two million displaced Sudanese people from Darfur are professional teachers. Whole societal structures, including the educational system of a people, have been uprooted, denied their due place and pleasure. But the resiliency and tenacity of the people of Darfur means the next generation will not be denied its place in the world. Melissa Winkler of the IRC shared her vision of this miracle in photos and conversations with those making it happen. One student who embodies this hope for the future of all the surviving people of Darfur is given a voice here through Ms. Winkler. "Some forty young women gather in a tent for a history lesson. Moda Abdajala Gasser tells me how happy she is to be able to go to the next level and continue learning, otherwise she would never be able to go to university. 'I will become a doctor some day,' she says resolutely. 'When there is peace in Sudan."

When there is peace.

How many times have these words been uttered through the course of time? How often have we found ourselves believing our lives were on hold until that great day of peace finally arrived? But how many people through time have decided, like Moda, not to wait, but to make their lives full and ready to act when the day of peace does come?

Jesus addressed this issue time and time again, telling those who would listen that the kingdom of heaven was already among them. The Roam occupation was a fact, but so could be their faithful activity as God's people. Jesus shared many stories about what the kingdom of heaven looked like here on earth: a grain of mustard seed that starts out small and grows to be a huge plant; leaven in a baker's loaf; treasure hidden in a field; a pearl of such worth that a merchant sells all their goods to purchase it; a fisher's net that, when thrown overboard, rewards its owner with unimaginable bounty. Jesus' audience knew poverty, desperation, hopelessness and fear, as surely as the Sudanese people carrying on their lives as strangers in a strange land. But he was also directing his listeners' attention to something more, something useful and tangible from which they could gain perspective and strength. Jesus was guiding them to their faith, pointing them to ways they could see God's presence and join in actively embodying God's spirit to build for the future to come.

Not all children in the United States take their education for granted. Many are eager to make a contribution with their lives to make the world more than it is today. Not every young woman or man in the refugee camps of Chad possesses the strength, determination and hope that Moda does. But for those who hold the light in themselves, for those who lift this light up to guide others, we are grateful. They show us what it means to live the kingdom of heaven on earth. They reside in a world that appears devoid of all good things, but they see much more and know they can make it happen.

posted by Cory L. Kemp @ 3:39 PM 0 comments