Conversation Point

Engagement with Grace

Traditionally, June is wedding month. I'm not sure why. Perhaps because high school and college graduations are generally held in late May, summer vacation time is available for families to travel for such events, or people like the natural flow of life's milestones to move as steadily as possible. Whatever the underlying cultural currents, the fact that January is bridal expo month should come as no surprise. With Christmas festivities now completed and Valentines Day still several weeks into the future, retailers are ready to entertain and engage us in this lull between the two holiday celebrations. It is an interesting shift from trying to out-bless each other in our giving to the big business of creating the wedding of one's dreams. Bridal expos showcase everything we associate with the modern wedding: bride and bridesmaids dresses, tuxes, flowers, caterers, reception halls, bands, honeymoon trips and invitations. There are even wedding planners available, routinely presenting themselves for busy couples who can't carve time out of their lives to handle all the details.

One choice most women and men still cling to is choosing the engagement ring. The romantic notion of a man elegantly dropping to one knee while opening a small velvet box to reveal a dazzling expression of his intent is completely endearing, especially if accompanied by a string quartet or the soundtrack from Sleepless in Seattle. Once a woman starts to announce her engagement, the first two utterances she hears are, " How did he propose?" and " Show me the ring." Having seen this scenario played out many times, it finally dawned on me why something felt off, not quite right about the whole deal. It's because it feels like a DEAL, a business transaction with lots of sugar coating. Before you write me off as jaded, cold-hearted or nuts, bear with me.

Proposing marriage is, after all, a risk. Any time a yes or no question is raised either answer is an option. Courage is required when one's heart is on the line, as well as a certain amount of hope and faith in what each person has already given and received in the relationship. Asking someone not only to accept all that you are, but also be willing to offer all that they are to you, forever, is an awe-inspiring, terrifying moment. What if either party feels a little less than adequate to live into that kind of commitment, or simply feels they don't have the work ethic to carry it off?

An exquisitely expensive piece of jewelry does a whole lot to distract from future incidentals like money management, extended family and household chore distribution. While you and everybody else are looking at the ring, the engagement and wedding plans take on a life of their own, frequently superseding what this small business project was initially meant to be, a union of hearts. What other relationship in our culture mandates such an exchange of material wealth? If we promised our children relatively equivalent goodies in exchange for their undying love we would call that a bribe.

Perhaps we are also culturally attuned to expect that God is supposed to offer us an engagement ring of sorts, proof that the love is real. We feel entitled to fine houses, hefty bank accounts and premium living because we have a personal relationship with God through Jesus Christ. If God calls us into this relationship, then it follows that God would only want the best for us, the best of everything. What we are missing is that the ring, the house, the money and an extravagant lifestyle doesn't make the relationship, and the best of everything is definable by our belief in things mattering.

Closing the cover on that bright, shiny ring may help us see a little more clearly what God is offering us. God comes to us bearing much more than pretty stones artfully arranged in precious metals. God brings a love for us that has been since before we were born, patience with any ill behavior or temper we can muster, a deep understanding and kindness for all our hurts, and forgiveness when we have caused pain for someone else. Most poignantly, God interweaves all of this with a rich thread of grace, a generosity of spirit that is immeasurable.

What God gives to us we can give to one another. While easier to rely on tangible goods to express our feelings, the simple truth is that feelings matter more, and sharing them, living into them, is everything. Offering one's genuine self in a relationship, as friends, siblings, parents or partners, is riskier, but more valuable than any treasure on the planet. Loving relationships, with God or with each other, aren't easy, but they are good.

posted by Cory L. Kemp @ 6:13 PM